Accountability

Sometimes we convince ourselves of things that aren't true. Society gives you all these quotes about you always being right, finding quotes saying you can be mistaken is much hard. Try typing it in as many ways as you can yourself, you'd see the validity of these words. I always wondered why? In moments I really want to share with friends, a hard lesson I learned but have helped so many others. Yet I can never find the quotes to share, the wise sage's text. Because they want narcissistic behavior, to pit us against each other. The younger generations have been trained to be miserable and to blame everyone else. All that cycle does is repeat. Like a poison, never taking the cure only let's the poison spread.

"It's not your fault. It never is, is it?" A line from Icon for Hire.

Accountability is the number one truth in this world. Holding yourself accountable brings growth. The only one convincing yourself of your worth is you. Letting others determine that is still your decision at the end of the day. That's one of the most bitter pills to swallow. Not to say abusers are not held accountable for their actions, but pretending you never had a say in what sparked your own self-hatred that only you had the power to stop was a blissful lie victims hide behind. What an easy thing to hide behind too. What is more terrifying than knowing that you could had stopped this if you willed it? It might be that you were wrong all along.

A survivor and playing victim have never been the same thing. You escape your ground hound day or you repeat it forever. Which the victim will lash out to drag the survivor to their level or minimize your own trails and tribulations if you dare mutter the pre ious statements from your lips. Even though at point or another you had been in the same position, same shoes, same situations, and even sometimes worse situations. Perhaps I have grown tired indulging the fantasy of people who abuse others to justify their own abuse. 

When loved ones and others say what they see or their perspective, why do we not bother to think that they are only trying to help? Instead, we always devalue them and make them the enemy. Do we ever question.. why would they think that way? How could they have taken it that way? I suppose we could argue why they don't do the same. Yet we can't control how other people think. Demanding that people do is, in itself, abuse. Another truth we turn out eyes from when it doesn't suit our needs. It is like training a dog to kill, but get mad at it for killing a bunny. It's only wrong if someone else does it, but when I do it that is fine. The saddest part is some people are so scared to face themselves in the mirror that they never realize the hypocrisy. 

What makes someone a bigger person? To always take things as a lesson. They may have been wrong about everything they said to me, but I could have been kinder and I didn't have to believe them. I didn't have to stay with them. I didn't have to throw myself away to fit in. I don't have to be part of a group to have friends. I didn't have to hate myself so others could like me nor did I have to shrink the responsibility of my own life to other people. I didn't have to do any of it. I learn, I change, I survive. It was never easy, but that's in most things worth it's weight. When we stop and let ourselves think we aren't strong enough, that we have no control.. we do exactly that.. spiral out of control. Nothing to hold us down, nothing to help us grow, nothing to keep us moving. 

What can I do to be a better person? What can I do to be a better lover? A better friend? A better artist? A better worker? Do we ever ask anymore.. or do we play pity and let it define us.. our own insecurities? Our own weakness? Our own depression and anxiety? When do we draw the line of what COULD you have done better to what CAN I do better? Who decided this line? Who dictated this? When did it ever become between ourselves and others? Why did we ever blame others to begin with?

And who wins in the end? After hurt and tears.. blood and bone.. broken memories and divided lives.. who wins in these moments?