Saturday, January 3, 2015

Paralyzed With Fear

Every night the man found himself fighting a losing battle. No matter how hard he worked and thought things through, at the end of the day he would be forced to this edge. Staring down at the mess called life; he had no idea what he wanted. Where was he going? What was he going to do with this life? The internal battle which no one could even begin to understand. The negative thoughts that he used to be able to resist had became unbearable as stress and pressures grew. He couldn't hold them back anymore.
Moving his hand up above his head, he stared at it. Deep inside, he felt like a monster was slowly consuming him. Biting the inside of his cheek, he tried to search for the reason why he had taken such a wrong turn. Why he had winded up as this beast in a handsome human skin. Women, they were such easy creatures to take and ruin. Was that really his fault? They let this happen to themselves. Placing his hands to his face, he couldn't believe he had just reasoned it that way.
"God, I am a monster," he whispered to himself. Even with the countless people he had at his beckon call, at the end of the day, he felt utterly hopeless and alone. "I'm going to die alone. My god, I am all alone." He felt his body tremble under the weight of his own thoughts. He could fix it, but he felt too much fear. He was paralyzed with the very idea of changing it. What if he wasn’t happy after throwing away everything he had? What if fate made him alone either way? Worse yet, what if he got hurt again? It was all too risky and he didn't want to take that chance. 

You'll Be Safe With Me

The woman stumbled back as her towel dropped. The man reached out to grab her. She shut her eyes tightly anticipating disaster. She opened one of her eyes to stare at the man standing frozen in front of her. His hand still reached for her, but he hung his head. There was blood smeared all across his hands and arms. 
         "What happened..." she slowly asked, her body trembling. Had she really forgotten the monster this man was? He had kidnapped her for heaven's sake. 
         "If I told you, I would have to kill you," his voice rolled deep, hanging in the air. "Stop shaking.." he whispered. "This blood is beyond dry." Her eyes remained on him. She couldn't help but be terrified. He took a step forward while she took a step back. He looked up with clouded gaze. His eyes seemed to dampen. "Please, try to be brave, Rain." The woman shook her head quickly, rushing forward to move pass him. She yelped as he caught his arms around her bare waist. He pulled her close to him, pressing his forehead into her shoulder.
        "Let me go!" She exclaimed, squirming.
         "If you try to leave.. I'll have to kill you, too. Don't make me kill the woman I love," he breathed. Rain froze in his arms. That was right. She was trapped by this psychopath. She... loved this psychopath. "I will never bare my evil teeth towards you." His fingers ran across her collar bone, chills running down her spine. "I'm telling you.." his voice grew darker as he spoke. "You'll be safe with me." It was as if he wasn't here with her anymore. His last words sounded so dangerous, poison dripping off his words. Tears started rolling down her face as his lips caressed her back ribs. "It's a cold and cruel world out there. Don't you want to be protected? No one will hurt you again," he promised her.
        "You're a monster..." she whispered. She gasped as he dragged his teeth across her spine. The heinous act prickled her skin. She couldn't tell what she felt within that moment. 
        "I'm your monster." She jerked her head up, gasping again as his fingers clawed across her chest and down her stomach. "I can really behave like a beast, if you'd like," he hissed into her ear, his fingers moving to places she did not want them to be. 
        "Please stop, please!" she begged. He moved his hands back up, wrapping his arms around her neck, squeezing tightly.  She struggled to breath, moving her hands up to claw at his arm. "Stop.. I can't breath.." she whimpered. 
        "You are always telling me to stop...whether it'll make you feel good or bad..." his tone sounded hurt or was it angry? She couldn't tell.
        He let her go, pushing her down to the ground. He walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. She sat on the floor, staring where he had stood. With a deep breath, she screamed a wail, hugging her knees as she sobbed into them. 

Scene From Falling Capricorn.

A breeze blew in making her comfortable bed feel so cold, so empty. Roxie groaned gently, turning to her side, reaching for my purple covers. She couldn't feel the silk sheets with her hands. She opened her watery eyes and glanced down for them. They weren't there. She knew she must have kicked them off. Slowly she rose, rubbing her eyes with a soft yawn escaping her lips. It didn't matter though. She could hardly relax, or even sleep tonight. She just couldn't get into a deep slumber, no matter how hard She tried. 
Roxie swung her legs to the side of the bed and searched for the floor with her toes. She touched her silk sheets and shook her head. A small frown slipped onto her lips from how cold it felt. Reaching down, the balls of her feet hit the ground. She walked to the open window and took a deep breath as the howling wind blew. The fresh, salty air met her nose. She breathed it in with closed eyes. She found herself waist-deep in thought when her eyes opened. She felt so alone. She looked at the gloomy clouds in the night sky. Her hands gently traced the window frame. She closed the window, resting her forehead against it.
"You're making it hard for me...all I want is just a little more emotion. Is that so much to ask for?" she muttered, watching him outside in the low light.
A couple...is that what you could call them? He was looking up with those beautiful sharp green eyes of his, staring at the stars. She found her hand against the glass as if reaching for him. The glass was so cold. He must have been freezing. He wouldn't show it, though. His stoic posture wouldn't dare give it away. She knew him too well, however, to be tricked by his sturdy appearance. She walked out of her room, grabbed his jacket, and headed out the back door before realizing what she was doing.
He looked so cold as she drew nearer. The closer she got, the colder she curiously felt. Her steps grew slower as her body trembled violently. She pulled the jacket closer to her chest, closing her eyes for a moment.
"Time together is just never quite enough, is it?" his voice startled her making her eyes shoot open. He was glancing over his shoulder. His eyes locked on hers with the intensity that was always there. She felt as though she was suffocating under his gaze. He looked back at the stars while she gasped for words. He seemed annoyed. He wanted to be left alone, but she pushed forth anyways.
"I thought you looked.. well, it seemed cold and.. well, here!" She shoved the jacket out to him, looking to the side. The awkward silence made her wonder why she even bothered. He took it from her while she peeked out of the corner of her eye. He just casually put it around her shoulders. She stared at him questioningly.
"I'm used to it." Of course he was used to it... he was ice. He looked at her again and the intensity brought courage roll into her veins. As he opened his mouth to talk, she beat him to the punch.
"You know I just want to make you happy and safe! What do I have to say for you to let me in? I know you're upset, but you're only too happy to stand there and look down on me. Maybe it would be better for you to just forget me. All I see is you giving me barely any emotion, and I can't keep going on..."
"Do you ever shut up?" he snapped. She felt her eyes sting and dampen, but she refused to cry, yet. She plowed on under the heavy weight of his disapproval.
"I never felt more at home then I do with you. But if you don't feel the same way you should just..."
"Again, I repeat myself... do you ever shut up?" Her eyes bolted open as she felt herself pulled into his cold arms. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She tried to look up, but couldn't. He had pulled her so close that she could barely move. "You know I'm no good with that emotional crap." She bit her lip trying to pull herself away. She squirmed trying to get out of his strong arms.
"You could at least.."
"Shut up."
She growled. He was doing this to piss her off now.
"We need time," he went on. She was confused.
"What the..."
"To make or break this relationship.. just give it time." She stubbornly clawed his arms trying to get free. He let her go, and she fell to the sand. She sat there dumbfounded as he just ran a hand through his black hair. She let what he said sink into her mind like an animal in quicksand.
"When you're alone... what are you thinking of?" she demanded.
He just chuckled, "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Why do you always do this!?" she yelped kicking sand up as she scrambled to my feet. "You're always jerking around with my feelings! What do I look like... your play thing!?" she screamed. She felt so hurt and frustrated. She was sick playing this sick, little game of his. She felt her chin get moved up, and was face to face with him. While looking straight into his steel green eyes, shivers rolled down her spine.
"Do you wish I'd fall in love with you like in the movies?" he asked. She mused over this interesting question. It seemed like she was on autopilot.
"All the time," she spoke with care, wistfully looking to the side. After a long moment of silence, she barely glanced at him. He had a surprisingly big smile on his face and a raised eye brow. He moved in. She held her breath as his lips came so close to hers. An inch... now a centimeter... his warm breath tickled my lips, then he let go of her face and stood back.
"Get some sleep." He then retreated down the shore. She fell onto her knees and hung her head.
"Damn you," was all she could say softly. Her cheeks were on fire and she was smiling. Tears slide down her face and landed on the sandy shore.
"Why does it have to be like this?" she lamented to the freezing, night sky.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Loving in Vain

       I laid upon the bed, naked and exposed for anyone to see. Laying upon my side, the tears had long since dried. I knew he wouldn't ever be coming back from the start. Once he got me here and took what he wanted, he wouldn't return to this place. Why would he want to be aware of an old toy's poor condition? Selfishness is a commonly familiar trait of all humans. I had been selfish, too. My heart beat too fast when I saw his smile. 
      "How tiresome," I muttered, turning over to lay on my back. I stared up at the ceiling, moving a hand to lay on my head in a melodramatic pose. What thought had led me so foolishly come to this? The idea that maybe seeing his bare flesh would somehow make him clear to me, closer to me, was the dumbest idea I've had in years. How many more times would I be lied to, betrayed, or thrown away? I was the definition of "broken goods".
      "You set yourself up for this," my mind told me. 
      "I thought maybe... it could have been... it may be different. There was the possibility of it... at least," I responded to my mind's inner chiding. Tears started rolling down, even though I tried my best to be strong. 
      "GOD DAMNNIT! WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST BE STRAIGHT WITH ME!?" I screamed, slamming my fist into the soft mattress. Soon, all I could hear was my pathetic sobbing into the pillow next to me. I raised my head to glare into the mirror. What a wreck I looked like; my hair a mess from the night's affair, my eyes swollen and red, my cheeks flushed. I sniffled, rubbing my eyes clear with my palms. 
       It's not like life isn't already hard enough. Misery was already a problem. Now he gave me a reason for my depression and low self-esteem. I laughed like it was some funny joke. He called himself a monster. He made it hard to disagree when he did things like this. I wasn't the first. I wouldn't be the last. "I wonder what that lover of his would say if she knew..." I trailed off. "Oh right, love is blinding. That's how I ended up here.  For someone so strong, you are terribly weak-willed." I growled the words at the mirror, my mouth feeling dry from all the crying. "Karma, will you refuse to take action again? Do I somehow deserve this? What did I do this time?" No response came. I pulled myself up, placing one arm on my knee while my other leg remained strenched out. I didn't even have the strength or desire to get up. Shutting my eyes, pain rolled through my chest with every pulse of my heart. 
       "He's wrong if he thinks I'll be here after all of this," my mind told me. My heart fluttered in it's reply. 
       With a deep sigh, I forced my body onto my feet, dragging them across the floor. With a soft groan, I leaned down and started to redress myself in the undergarments. "Love is evil too," I sneered clipping my bra across my shoulder blades. "I'm better off alone," I muttered, pulling on my jean's zipping them up. "If being delicate and fragile brings me this... if my kindness and emotions put me back in this place... if being this girl destroys me..." I stopped myself from saying I didn't want to be me. "No.. keep being yourself, girly. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
        I zipped up the hoody, popping up the hood. I used my hair to hide my eyes as I opened the motel's room, wincing at the the bright sunlight outside. Closing the door with a click, I glided down the stairs with my broken grace. My hands shoved deeper into my pockets as I traveled down the stairs into the big, cold and cruel world. God spared no kindess while the angels laughed at my ignorance. God had to be a sadist, taking a sick pleasure for making such a thing as "loving in vain". 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Yea, Though I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death...

    The chains rattled as he pulled me forward. My tired brown eyes stared down, my bare legs trembling from the endless walking forced upon me. The moon's light glittered from the broken shards upon the ground. The blood from my feet painted the walkway. With each weary step more fragments of glass crushed and slipped into my soles. If I wasn't so numb, a whimper may have escaped my lips. Not one tear was shed. He pulled the chain harder across my neck, causing me to stumble. Landing forward, I let my body collapse onto the pieces, feeling them sinking into me slowly. I lifted my head up, blood dripping from my mouth. I stared up at him. His hand tightened around the leash as we made eye contact.
     "Why do you do this to yourself?"
     "If I had the answer for that, I wouldn't be here. Why stop when we are half-past dead, anyways?" I replied with a small chuckle.
     He stared blankly at me, before raising his head towards the moon. A laugh escaped his mouth while his eyes glistened, shaking his head.
     "Looks like rain. Get up."
     "Are you alright?" I asked.
     "No."
     I spat blood to the side, wiping my mouth only to cut my lips with more shards embedded in my hand. I slowly ran my tongue across the wound. The strong iron taste pleased me.
     "Everything is still the same," I told him, rising to my feet in a careful manner. My naked body was dressed with my own blood and broken pride. The ensemble was completed and decorated with his tactfully placed broken heart and soul.
     "It is as if you purposely wanted destruction. If this is what you desire, then whatever makes you happy." We continued through the valley of shame and regret. I muttered under my breath, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Ura

      The demon wandered through the destroyed city. This had been his doing, to everything Rosalina had cherished and loved. Guilt crept up on him as he searched through the rubble for the entrance of his cave. Was he really returning to the cage he had endlessly wanted out of? It was safe and familiar there. His claws tore away at the stone. There was no need to hide his true appearance anymore. He stopped for a moment as he heard the rumble of thunder above him.
     “This probably would be a poet’s dream according to what Rosalina taught me,” he told himself. “They like the dramatic environment changes to fit the character’s mood.” He scowled realizing he was talking about her. “What do I care? She is gone now,” he convinced himself, continuing his dig.
She wouldn’t come running after him this time, not after what he had done. He didn’t know it was wrong… no, that was a lie. He knew adultery was not something humans took lightly. Rosalina once told him about it. Why did it bother Rosalina so? Despite her displeasure he continued to devour them first sexually, then physically.
     “I don’t belong to that woman!!” he yelled, tossing a final rock to the side that revealed the entrance to his cave. He hopped down into the hole he had created.  The darkness startled him.  He had been blinded by her light; he wasn’t used to it being pitch black. He would learn to live in it again, wouldn’t he? For some reason, a ping of doubt struck him in his core. Pain seeped through what she had called “his heart.”
     “I don’t care. You mean nothing! You are a worm; a na├»ve fool! The only woman dumb enough to let me sink my fangs into! The only woman to speak…to me…of LOVE!!!”  He roared, slamming his hands down onto the ground, causing the rocks above him to roll and block the entrance. Now, everything was completely black. “She is nothing…” he whispered to himself.  Rosalina never came to mind during his sins. She wasn’t even a thought until she caught him in the act. Once she left… all he could think about was her.  

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Star Light Star Bright

Stars shine bright all over the universe, but no star shined brighter than his sparkling baby blue. While he was a dull red, her blue rays seemed to give him warmth even though they were galaxies apart. He never had a chance to speak to her.  In fact, he never knew if she could even see him. He figured she had a vast galaxy offering brighter stars to pick from than him. That still did not stop him from hoping one day, he would catch her eye. In all honesty, it didn't matter if she even saw him or not. All that he cared about was that he could see her every day.
The planets continued their pull around him, slowly revolving for centuries. Even as time went on, she seemed to glow brighter than the other stars. At first, he had thought he was just imagining this. After more contemplation, he started thinking that maybe his love was reaching out for him. The more he thought about it, the more excited he felt. He radiated with energy as he started to push himself forward toward her flashing blue light. He reached and reached closer to the brightening light until an endless black spot suddenly filled where her sparkling light should be.
He came to a halt, desperately looked at the empty space around him. No star shined like she.
“Alas!” he cried. “Where has my starlight gone?”

He gained no reply in return.