A Letter to the Lost

 Hello, Friend Who Left, 

 I dreamt of you last night. You were desperately trying to find me. I don't know if it is because you've been paying attention, or maybe you felt the emptiness from my leaking soul. I'm tired. Is this how you thought? I have to keep reminding myself that my heart is still beating. I think of you so often, you know? I keep telling myself I'll be forgotten in time, but how often I think of you has taught me that someone will care if I'm not there.

    This void inside, though, seems to consume everything. I can't seem to find a way out. I reach out of the blackness but can't catch anything to pull me out. My everything is tired from trying not to drown. Why can't I swim? Why can't I breathe? Why can't I just feel better? Did you feel this helpless? Did it feel like it would never get better? I don't understand. Wasn't the idea of dying horrifying? Did you regret it in your final moments? Are you still here, or am I just dreaming? Was I trying to dream away these feelings, and that's why I keep having nightmares? 

    I fear I'm pushing everyone away. I'm scared it is all too much to handle. After all, I can't even handle myself. How could someone else possibly handle me? I might just need a hug and a good cry. I worry. I don't want people only staying because they are worried about my mental state. I just want to be healthy again. I want to be me again. Remember how I used to be when you were around? You never really got to see this pitiful side of me. She really is pathetic. 

 I'm almost positive if I can just get out of here. Just to be a stress-free environment, everything will get better. However, every single obstacle keeps getting in the way. I'm not even frustrated anymore. I'm exhausted to the point of almost not caring anymore. I know I can be better than this, but this feeling is crippling, like a hand is on my heart squeezing all the time. I don't want to rant to anyone. It's the same thing repeatedly, so what's the point?

    I don't want to stress anyone out or lean on anyone. No one deserves even a quarter of how I feel. Maybe I'm being a little selfish, thinking all these things when perhaps these thoughts will hurt them. I never want to hurt anyone. I think my good intentions do more damage than good. Do you think so, too? I know you won't answer, and people won't have the answers. Just you always knew what to say.

 This lack of human contact does hurt me, yet I don't want to be around people. Pretending to be something I'm not. Forcing myself to make connections. I want to share my writing, but I don't think anyone really actually reads or listens. I feel like I have no talents but my writing and creativity. Ironically, I can't seem to do that half the time. I think people tiptoe around the truth too much. I wish they would be more honest. I notice the inconsistencies. I can see when I have done something to upset them, so I wish they would just say it. 

 You never hesitated to say what you felt. I admired that about you. I should have known you'd go out on your own terms. I forgive you. You were always so strong when I thought of you, but when I think back, I realize you weren't as strong as I thought. You always said how you admired me and how I could trust and love everyone so quickly. I'm sorry that changed. Many people took advantage of that and left me a bundle of nerves. However, I will always have faith in you. I will always love you. Regardless that you left. Regardless of the broken promises. I love you so much; you will always be near and dear to my heart. That's hard to say. Love is so scary.

 Especially what love can do to you, even your own family. They can take everything and tell you they never loved you with a straight face. Some won't even tell you they do. Do you think anyone could ever love me? Like, honestly, without playing games? Without flipping a switch around others and around me? Not to abuse me or to use me. Just unconditional love? Maybe. Just maybe.

 I just want to become strong again. Have people admired me the way you said you did. Smile more, not faking them. Be happy and have fun with everyone with no fear. I've gotten close to it again, but then this feeling crashed into me like a heavy wave. So, I know it is still in me. I know it is still there. Just have to grab it and hold on tight. I should write more confessional letters to you more often. Everything feels so clear again. Like I know what to do and where to go again. Thank you. 

 -With Much Love.