(After watching a horror movie of a kid convincing his parents to go to a party on Halloween, and wind up being killed by something horrific, I had a thought. What does it feel like for a mother to lose her child after the kid convinced her to let them go?)
A mother's wish for her children is for them to grow up to be the best they can be, and to be as happy as they can be. Now, I was a lot more strict when raising my baby boy than most parents are. I actually made sure he stayed on top of his school work, and kept him on the "narrow line". Any good mother has that day when her child says he, or she, hates you. I got that many times, but I smiled because I knew my son would thank me in the long run. No one wants to expect the worse to happen to their kid. In my case, however, I fretted about all the worst things that could happen to my darling.
When my boy turned eighteen, I was the most nervous woman alive. Not only did he give me the "I'm an adult now!" speech, but he went on and on about this party he was going to go to. Back in my day, partying always involved the worst trash, drugs and alcohol. As a youth, I never found the whole partying, or the drug and alcohol thing, to be that fun. Of course, with this in mind, my son going to a party brought back these old images of debauchery.
"Mom, you raised me better than that. Just trust me!" Those words struck a sour cord with me. I now wished they didn't. I allowed him to go with the trust I had within him. The truth of the matter was that I trusted him, but not the others around him.
When I got the call, it was the worse day of my life. I rushed to the hospital just to be told I was too late. That party turned out to be a spot for a shooting. Apparently a boyfriend's girl broke up with him, and the guy just lost it. He came to the party and shot her dead, along with ten others. My son was included.
When I got that news I didn't know what to think or do. I fell into a chair and stared blankly for a few minutes until I started to sob into my hands. How could I have known? I knew I couldn't, but I felt like the worst mother on the face of the planet. For weeks I couldn't eat. All I did was cry.
Even to this day, it haunts me. The fact I allowed him to go, even though I knew all the right things to force him to stay home, I let him go. I've been told by people that all things happen for a reason. "When it's time for someone to go.. it's time for them to go." I don't necessarily believe that. I can't stop thinking what would have happened if I stopped him that day. Would he still be with me now while accomplishing his dreams, or would he have ended up dead, either way?
Being a mother wasn't hard. The choices decided that change your life and your child's life; that is what is haunting. No other fear could feel more terrifying than that of losing the one that means the most to you, until you actually do.
It is the absolute worst hell to lose a child, no matter how it happens. As mothers we blame ourselves for it. We should have been there to protect them, to save them, like we have done all their lives. It haunts your days and nights and nothing is ever the same again. Guilt is the worst of all and the regret for all the things we should have done, all the things we should have said. For years to come the anguish and pain almost destroys you.
ReplyDeleteI have spoken to mothers who could not handle the agony and took their own lives. Thank god I wasn't successful in my attempts. We do learn to live with it and life becomes normal again.
Thank you for addressing this issue Dallas.
Namaste!!
No problem! Thank you for reading my posts and commenting on them. :)
ReplyDeleteI understand your anguish Rea. I do not know how I would react given your circumstances. I wish love and light to your healing and bow in the awe of your strength. When Dallas pulled this one out, it re-affirmed my feelings as a mom. There is no easy way out,I'm afraid. Please know, we are both here for you.....both as young'un, and mom. :)
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