He sat there frozen at the end of the bed, her pale naked flesh behind him. He started to get up and I took a step backwards.
"Just don't even start," I hissed. I was too mad to cry, I was too hurt to yell, and I felt empty with my body on fire. My weakness was sweeping the ground from under my feet. I could barely stand up straight. My body wanted to react with what felt like a sensation to puke, or pass out, or run away for miles.
"Angel," he sounded pathetic. He sounded like a little kid who knew he had done wrong.
I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to believe he was the guy who would prove that he was different. He wasn't though, he was just like the rest.
"I'm glad that whore was worth it. You will love again. I can see you're not picky who it is with. You will but it's clear that I can't!" I yelped. I had been kicked down and betrayed by the only guy I thought I could trust. I turned away. I would not show my ugly side here. I reached for the door but my hand was caught by his. Why did he have to make it more difficult for me?
"Angel! I love you!"
My eyes widen a bit. Making a small whine, I clawed at his hand. "You are a liar." I got my hand free and swung the door open. I took off through it, running down the stairs. I tripped down the last few, landing on my knees. I quickly got up and ran to the front door, slamming it open. I heard him struggling with his pants, hopping down the stairs.
"Damnnit, Angel! Stop!" he yelled after me.
I shook my head and just ran, ran, and ran. My sight was blurred by tears, my breath in clouds. My legs stretched in front of each other, launching me forward with every step. Why couldn't I see it sooner? Why did I ignore all the signs? I was setting myself up for failure.
"Why do I always let this happen to me!?" I yelled at myself, scolded myself for letting it get this far. I jumped over the stone wall, slipping and landing in the sand. I laid in the sand, sobbing my heart out. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I feared my heart would break and I would die from internal bleeding.
I sat up and dug through my bag. I searched and grabbed my depression pills, pouring a few in my hands. I swallowed them down, choking on them. Down they went though and soon I wasn't so sad anymore. Not happy and not sad. I fell backwards, staring at the sky. I placed a hand to my chest, it still hurts so much but.. I felt ambivalent about it. It was a slight relief but not by much. Then I had the stupid thought, if one drowns out my sadness then if I took enough of them, I should be able to make the pain go away as well. I popped another in my mouth, then another one, and another one. After a few more, I felt nauseous. I put a hand over my eyes, seeing things, hallucinations of the scene I had just witnessed. I started crying some more.
It didn't help; it made things worse.
"Angel!" It was so far away sounding.
My body tense up and I fell forward with my body trembling. Soon I saw nothing but a black emptiness.
Check out:
Picture: http://farmwars.info/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Betrayal-4edde75f206fe.jpg
Question: Have you ever been betrayed by someone? How did that make you feel?
Question: Have you ever been betrayed by someone? How did that make you feel?
Great story, Dallas. Well told, great pace.
ReplyDeleteCan I be presumptions and say that it could do with a little editing? Just one or two places where there were little mistakes that caused the pace to falter. Perhaps reading it out loud, you'd hear them yourself? That's how I double check my writing for mistakes in grammar, punctuation, typos, etc.
If, after doing that, you'd like another eye on it, I'd be happy to help. I think your story is worth the effort to make it perfect.
Christine
cicampbellblog.wordpress.com
To be quite honest, I'm not that good with editing. I did just looked over it again and corrected them mistakes and whispered them aloud. The issue I have is punctuation and grammar. Typos are a easy fix though. I'm hoping my composition class helps me fix this, haha! Thank you so much Christine, that would help me a lot. I mean if your not busy or anything, help would be appreciated. :)
ReplyDeleteVery nice Dallas. I agree with Christine, a little spit and polish and you'll turn a great story into a gem. You have fun - it shows.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! Writing nearly the only thing I do so it is naturally fun :! I'm glad people can see this!
ReplyDeleteDallas, I have done a bit of editing for you. See what you think, and please feel free to disregard anything you don't agree with. It is your story.
ReplyDeleteI just stood there with my body in shock. I was in the doorway of the apartment place we live in, named the Saltwater Room, and there was obviously ( cut 'there was obviously) something was very (comma) very wrong. (New person, new paragraph) He sat there frozen at the end of the bed, her pale naked flesh behind him. He started to get up but (I think 'and' would be better here, because the next phrase is a consequence of him starting to get up) I just(delete 'just') took a step backwards.
"Just don't even start," I hissed. I was too mad to cry, I was too hurt to yell, and I felt empty with my body on fire. My weakness was sweeping the ground from under my feet though. (Delete 'though') I could barely stand up straight. My body wanted to react like puking, or passing out, or running for miles.
"Angel," ('Angel!' He sounded...) he sounded pathetic. He sounded like a little kid who knew he had done wrong. (New person, new para) I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to believe he was the guy that ( the guy who....'that' for a thing 'who' for a person) would prove that (delete'that') he was different. He wasn't though, he was just like the rest.
"I'm glad that whore was worth it. You will love obviously. (sorry, don't know what's obvious. Perhaps rethink what you want to say here.) You will but it's clear that I can't!" I suddenly yelped. (I'd delete 'I suddenly yelped. it's quite clear who is speaking, and a yelp is one sound, not a couple of sentences, so it doesn't really work here) I had been kicked down and betrayed by the only guy I thought I could trust. I turned away. I would not show my ugly side here. I reached for the door but my hand was caught by his. Why did he have to make it more difficult for me?
"Angel! I love you!" (New paragraph for each person:. his speech. her actions)My eyes widen a bit, (new sentence....otherwise it is her eyes that whine!) making a small whine. ( here is where the comma should be) I clawed at his hand.
"You are a liar." I got my hand free and swung the door open. I took off through it, running down the stairs. I tripped down the last few, landing on my knees. I quickly got up and ran to the front door, slamming it open. I heard him struggling with his pants, hopping down the stairs.
"Damnnit (comma) Angel! Stop!" he yelled after me. (New person, new para) I shook my head and just ran, ran, and ran. My sight was blurred by tears, my breath in clouds. My legs stretched in front of each other, launching me forward with every step. Why couldn't I of seen (not 'of seen' but 'see') it sooner? Why did I ignore all the signs? I was setting myself up for failure.
It was too big for one comment, so here is part two:
ReplyDelete"Why do I always let this happen to me!?" I yelled at myself, scolded myself for letting it get this far. I jumped over the stone wall, slipping and landing in the sand. I laid in the sand, sobbing my heart out. There was a sharp pain in my chest. I feared my heart would break and I would die from internal bleeding.
I sat up and dug through my bag. I searched and grabbed my depression pills, pouring a few in my hands. I swallowed them down, choking on them. Down they went though and soon I wasn't so sad anymore. Not happy and not sad. I fell backwards, staring at the sky. I placed a hand to my chest, it still hurts so much but.. I felt monotone (monotone applies to colour or sound. Better to choose another word eg calmer, easier) about it. It was a slight relief but not by much. Then I had the stupid thought, if one drowns out my sadness then if I took enough of them, I should be able to make the pain go away as well. I popped another in my mouth, then another one, and another one. After a few more, I felt nauseous. I put a hand over my eyes, seeing things, hallucinations of the scene I had just witness(witnessed). I started crying some more,(new sentence) it didn't help like I unrealistically thought (I'd delete 'like I unrealistic ally thought'); it made things worse.
"Angel!" It was so far away sounding,(new person, new para)my body tensing (tensed)up and I fell forward with my body trembling. Soon I saw nothing but a black emptiness.
Christine
cicampbellblog.wordpress.com
Thank you very much. I will probably apply these changes after I get my online stuff all done. Again, that you very much. :)
ReplyDelete