Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Loving in Vain
I laid upon the bed, naked and exposed for anyone to see. Laying upon my side, the tears had long since dried. I knew he wouldn't ever be coming back from the start. Once he got me here and took what he wanted, he wouldn't return to this place. Why would he want to be aware of an old toy's poor condition? Selfishness is a commonly familiar trait of all humans. I had been selfish, too. My heart beat too fast when I saw his smile.
"How tiresome," I muttered, turning over to lay on my back. I stared up at the ceiling, moving a hand to lay on my head in a melodramatic pose. What thought had led me so foolishly come to this? The idea that maybe seeing his bare flesh would somehow make him clear to me, closer to me, was the dumbest idea I've had in years. How many more times would I be lied to, betrayed, or thrown away? I was the definition of "broken goods".
"You set yourself up for this," my mind told me.
"I thought maybe... it could have been... it may be different. There was the possibility of it... at least," I responded to my mind's inner chiding. Tears started rolling down, even though I tried my best to be strong.
"GOD DAMNNIT! WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST BE STRAIGHT WITH ME!?" I screamed, slamming my fist into the soft mattress. Soon, all I could hear was my pathetic sobbing into the pillow next to me. I raised my head to glare into the mirror. What a wreck I looked like; my hair a mess from the night's affair, my eyes swollen and red, my cheeks flushed. I sniffled, rubbing my eyes clear with my palms.
It's not like life isn't already hard enough. Misery was already a problem. Now he gave me a reason for my depression and low self-esteem. I laughed like it was some funny joke. He called himself a monster. He made it hard to disagree when he did things like this. I wasn't the first. I wouldn't be the last. "I wonder what that lover of his would say if she knew..." I trailed off. "Oh right, love is blinding. That's how I ended up here. For someone so strong, you are terribly weak-willed." I growled the words at the mirror, my mouth feeling dry from all the crying. "Karma, will you refuse to take action again? Do I somehow deserve this? What did I do this time?" No response came. I pulled myself up, placing one arm on my knee while my other leg remained strenched out. I didn't even have the strength or desire to get up. Shutting my eyes, pain rolled through my chest with every pulse of my heart.
"He's wrong if he thinks I'll be here after all of this," my mind told me. My heart fluttered in it's reply.
With a deep sigh, I forced my body onto my feet, dragging them across the floor. With a soft groan, I leaned down and started to redress myself in the undergarments. "Love is evil too," I sneered clipping my bra across my shoulder blades. "I'm better off alone," I muttered, pulling on my jean's zipping them up. "If being delicate and fragile brings me this... if my kindness and emotions put me back in this place... if being this girl destroys me..." I stopped myself from saying I didn't want to be me. "No.. keep being yourself, girly. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
I zipped up the hoody, popping up the hood. I used my hair to hide my eyes as I opened the motel's room, wincing at the the bright sunlight outside. Closing the door with a click, I glided down the stairs with my broken grace. My hands shoved deeper into my pockets as I traveled down the stairs into the big, cold and cruel world. God spared no kindess while the angels laughed at my ignorance. God had to be a sadist, taking a sick pleasure for making such a thing as "loving in vain".