Monday, August 19, 2013

Personal Letter

     Dear Diary,         
                What do you do when you are watching a loved one die? They look at you surprised for a moment like they have no clue who u are until they register that it's you and it just breaks not only your heart but everyone else's around you, everyone else that cares for her and you. It almost kills inside.                   
                My Grandma.. Dad's Mom. I've lived with her closer then most. Me and Dad have been watchfully and carefully looking after her. I smile at her just to get her to smile and lately, she hasn't even been smiling back. She seems so far away, far away from my react. Even if i'm right next to her it feels like she's miles away and i can't even reach her. It's like a bad dream. 
                It really hurts. I guess I knew it would only be a matter of time that it get this bad.. that she can't even get up. With family here, we all been trying to help besides mom who making this even harder on me and dad. I been taking care of Racecar, chores, and cooking sometimes since basically she's abandoned us. I feel bad for dad. Everything he been going through and he hasn't broken, he remains strong. He has cried and I cried with him. He never just gave up like I know I would. He's strong and I admire him for it. Dad has been lying to me.. saying everything will be okay. I know it's for my own good to help me sleep at night but I'm not a little kid. I know he is lying. I been escaping the torture of having to watch her fade away by hanging with friends and talking to them for all hours. 
                They been here for me. Some new, some old, some don't even know that this is happening but I gotta say thank you to them. Really, it means a lot to have people care, people to distract me from the pain, listen to me being stupid, to wipe my tears, and make me feel like I'm not just a random person. That I'm important, that they will protect me, and they will always love me. 
                I will always be thankful for everyone and the memories we all have, friends and family. They all mean so much to me. They are like the characters that show up in the happy ever after, in the end of a story. 
               I don't believe in fairy tales though, but that doesn't stop me from creating them. I know life isn't always a happy ending. I wish I could be more happy about that but I can't. We will go through horrible pains and we might just almost give up. Hell, some do give up and take their life. What ever the reason; love, death, money, bullying, depression, rage, insanity, some people kill.. some people die.. some just watch from the sidelines..some try to help. It's just how it works. Hate and love how thin the line is sometimes. 
                It's just something I gotta get off my chest. Death of family and friends, it scares me so much. Just losing a friend hurts, it all just breaks my heart. Not being able to see their smile, hear their voice. Not able to touch in a hug or a kiss. Having to be strong and let go. All the words that can be unsaid. I don't know how people can walk away from all the memories and not miss the people they cared about.  How can they accept that its over? I still miss a few family members that i have lost and friends I have lost. Sometimes, I even find myself crying like a baby over their death years later. I guess I do pray in a way. I hope, I dream, I wish, someone or something will watch over them and help them to be wise. To help me to let go. To lead them to a place where they'll be safe. I might not believe in a god, but I'm not saying that something wonderful doesn't exist. Whatever it may be, even if it may even be god, I hope they can take care of them like I have through the years. To have fun and joke around with smiles. I think that's what we all wish for the people we love. 
                It's my own feelings. I will walk my path and what happens will happen. It's a wise idea to just go with your own flow and that's what i plan on doing. I learned that people will die but one day I will as well. I think I can accept that realization. If I come back as a bunny or if I stay in heaven or if I rest in eternal darkness, I've accepted my fate. And I will reach towards my dreams without fear of being unhappy or dying. I have to many dreams to follow to let me be pulled back by fears. I wish the same to everyone else and everything in the world. I want their dreams, like mine, to come true.
                                                                                                 ~~Character or me a few years ago? 

Can't tell.. 


Question: Did it make you think of anyone you have lost? Let me know some cheerful memories you have with someone if so.         


  1. Oh, Dallas, you write about such important things, don't you? Life and death, what could be more important?
    You are right, watching someone die is horrendous. We have just had the experience of having to care for my mum and watch her die, then, just about that time, my mother-in-law took ill and we had the same thing to go through all over again. It was terrible and sometimes we feel we haven't yet recovered. Maybe we won't.
    All the comfort I can offer is that, with time, the pain does lessen and you are left with the happy memories of your loved one.
    Also, according to the Bible, death is a sleep from which we shall all be awakened and live together once more right here on a cleansed earth under God's Kingdom rule. (Matthew 6:9-11) I find great comfort in that certainty as expressed in such Bible accounts as John chapter 11 taking particular note of verses 11 to 15 and verses 21 to 26. Also John 5:28,29 and Revelation 21:3 to 5. I honestly look forward to being able to share the good things of life with them again. I keep thinking of things I must remember to tell them, things that will make them laugh and smile.
    I hope these thoughts and verses help you, Dallas.
    Keep writing about these important things. Expressing them helps you to make sense of them.

  2. I like to write about my views in things and also I like writing pieces that can touch people emotionally. Death is something we all must experience sometime in our life so I figured it's something most people can connect to.
    The comfort I found was in those who I loved. I may have lost someone important but I do have others that are just as important. It especially helps if they knew the person so you can both share memories of the person that was lost. I remember, in her church with our family and friends all around, I shared a memory about her threatening to kick my brothers ass because he was into some pretty corrupt things. I said exactly that, including the word "ass", everyone laughed. That was something I will never forget.
    Those verses are very comforting. It's a nice way to think about it. :) Thank you for commenting, it means a lot!


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